A surprising number of women tell me the senior men they’re dating are thoughtful, attentive, even generous, but they won’t commit to the relationship because they’re still mourning the loss of their wives. In some cases, their loss is several years in the past.
When a spouse dies, widows and widowers must adjust to the unthinkable, but women and men don’t grieve in the same ways. In this numbing circumstance, men are definitely the weaker sex. Women are more resilient.
THE MEASURE OF A MAN
Senior men were taught early on that males must overcome – or at least hide – their grief. Outward expressions are unmanly. Bereavement must be done privately. Women, on the other hand, have spent a lifetime developing woman-to-woman connections, and these relationships help them to eventually recover and go on with their lives.
Men mostly intellectualize their grief, so it’s hard for women to understand how men can remain in a grieving mode even as they seek new companionship. I recall a first (and last) date with a man that consisted entirely of a monologue about his wife. His list of her virtues was delivered in much the same way a professor might deliver a lecture. The man was stricken – so much so that he seemed unable to understand where he was and why he was there. “You’re not ready to date,” I said, as kindly as I could. “I guess not,” he agreed. We parted, our Starbucks lattes only partially consumed.
A LITTLE HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS
Because sympathy from men friends often comes down to, “stiff upper lip, dude,” a widower may gravitate to a sympathetic woman for support. The woman may hope these therapy sessions will turn into something more, but too often they do not. My friend Estelle spent many long hours with Sam, a widower whose gratitude she mistook for ardor. This guy’s bereavement seemed deep enough to keep him grieving forever, but a mere eight months after his wife’s death, Estelle was stunned to receive a wedding invitation naming Sam as the groom.
Understanding the way senior men grieve is important at our stage of life. We need to guard against impatience. We need to remember that it’s wrong to tell someone how to grieve and for how long. It’s not a good idea to push a senior man to share his feelings. It’s no good telling him that swearing at the computer, kicking the lawnmower, and going to the movies alone are wrong ways to act. The way he processes his grief is going to be foreign to you.
To understand male bereavement it helps to look at why it’s different from yours and mine.
Widower: Home is a place where his wife tended to his needs. Without her, it’s an alien environment. Minus her sighs and laughter, TV is a noisy intrusion. Without the tap-tap of her computer keys in the background, he finds it difficult to read. The soft green of the living room carpet is a reminder of her impeccable taste.
Widow: Home is her inspiration and her favorite workspace, even if she has a career. The decoration scheme is hers. Her flower garden is a source of pride. She makes coffee in a French press. When she feels anxious, she cleans out the coat closet, or creates a beaded bracelet for her granddaughter.
Widower: He knows few people in the neighborhood, his acquaintances are mostly people in his work circle. He golfs regularly and plays cards twice a month with a group of men from his sports club, but they stay clear of conversation about his grief.
Widow: She belongs to two book clubs. She teaches English to new immigrants. She eats strawberries and M&Ms and stays up late to finish power-point presentations. She meets friends for lunch and is not ashamed to shed a river of tears in response to their expressions of sympathy.
Widower: He has a hard time with solitude and begins to think about companionship. He has not been with a woman other than his wife for decades, and he regards sex as a central part of a successful relationship. He worries about his capacity for satisfactory performance. He wonders if he will be able to make love to a new woman without guilt.
Widow: She wants to be part of a couple because the world seems colder to singles, especially senior women. She needs help with financial decisions, household chores. She wants to plan vacations with someone. She thinks about sex and hopes the man she ends up with will be proficient as well as sensitive. She believes her late husband would want her to find a protective male.
EMOTIONAL LOCKDOWN
Men distrust their feelings, while women know there’s nothing we can trust more. When a bereaved man decides to seek a new relationship, he will want it to be with a woman who will honor his past, just as you want him to honor yours.
Entering into a relationship with such a man takes more than patience. It also requires the ability to evaluate his feeling for you. Let it not be sisterly. Let it not be for the sake of expediency. Let it not be a self-test of his sexual prowess. Let it not be until-the-right-one-comes-along. If it’s any of these things, your chances are slim.
Ask your widower – directly and without impatience – if he’s on the way to commitment. If the answer is vague and you don’t mind staying on the periphery of his life, I suppose you must stick around. But — if a hesitant answer is the last of many (and therefore the last straw, as I know it is for some women), it’s time to exit the relationship.
Make your departure a graceful one, and tell him kindly that you’ll be glad to hear from him when he’s ready for the mutuality that is the mark of a genuine relationship.
